A tribute to introverts – Love me because
sometimes I’m afraid
someone could
like me
I’m afraid someone could like me
because
just because
they’d see me as exotic
a curiosity
an exciting novelty
this girl
telling her homies she’s dating a transguy
maybe in order to make her life sound more interesting?
this girl
thinking of herself as “open-minded“
yes, so open-minded she can even date me
is actually not a compliment
this girl
outing me as trans’ to the world
because she’s sooo queer
she does NOT want to be seen as straight
I understand… but which space is left for me?
this girl
so fucking loving the fact I’m trans – in public
in fact in private she’s bothered
bothered because
I’m not behaving the way she expects or wants me to
bothered because
I’m not masculine enough and too masculine
bothered because I grew up believing there’s something wrong with me
therefore I would need time
I need time
sometimes I’m afraid someone could
dislike me
just because
I am
sometimes I’m afraid someone could like me
because
just because
I’m french
so “charming“
so “cute“
this guy, smiling at my mispronunciation
“so sweet“
this woman, charmed whenever I create my own idioms:
– well, in my opinion european immigration politic and death sentence are as like as two drops of water –
“adorable!“
those people, delighted when they get to know:
“you’re from France? oh my god, fantastic!!”
as if I had just given them the formulation of a cancer vaccine
please learn this:
France is a mosquito
France is a mosquito that thinks it is an ant
France is a mosquito-ant sucking blood, oil and gold 40 times its own weight
a bug confusing its bugs colony and colonialism
a bug that some day may die of colon cancer
and I do not have the formulation against it
sometimes I’m afraid someone could love me
just because
I’m sexy
it may sound like a joke
or a luxury problem
and in fact I guess it is
but I do not want to be dated for the way I look, period
I’m on the fence between finally feeling good
longing to dress up and work out to balance my mood and
wishing to hide so nobody can get attracted to me because of my appearance
sometimes I’m afraid someone loves me and it has nothing to do with ME
sometimes I’m afraid when someone loves me
sometimes I’m afraid someone loves me
sometimes I’m afraid
you
wouldn’t love me
I’m afraid you wouldn’t love me
if you’d meet up deep inside the inner me
therefore
if one day you feel like wanting to love me
please know that sometimes I cross the street in order to avoid making small talk
even if three years ago I attended a small talk class at a Volkshochschule
because I thought there was something wrong with my social skills
please know that most of the time when I arrive at a party the first thing I want to do is
leave
would you mind going over to my place and being quiet together?
let’s lay down on my bed and play Scrabble all night
or I could read my fav book while you’re putting on your Makeup?
ooh… can I watch you put your Makeup on, please?
if one day you want to feel like loving me
please know that I need time to trust
please know that it may take long for me to make decisions
please know that sometimes I can even be an extrovert
plus, that I’m prone to sadness and anxiety
believe me, I’m funnier online
if anytime you feel like wanting to love me
first I have to confess
that the first time you called me
I was home
but I couldn’t pick up the phone
my phone was ringing in my hand and I was starring at your name on the display and I was overwhelmed with happiness oh my god I couldn’t believe that YOU were calling ME and Jesus I was so NOT prepared to chat with you
I would like you to know that sometimes I feel peace a whole week just because I’ve received a single email of you
it happened three times that after reading your message I felt so blessed
so deep inside I decided to redefine the meaning of tears
see, every time I see you I want to write you
if you feel like one day you want to love me
please know that I will never kiss you
I will never kiss you
first
I will never kiss you
the first time
without asking
and perhaps the second time neither
I want you to know that I know we’re both shy and afraid
and that’s ok
if one day you feel like wanting to love me
I would love you to know what a mess I can be
how moody and stupid I can get
how hard I am sometimes to handle
and I would love you to love me for those reasons
I would love you to love me
just for those reasons
I would love you to love me
because of the way I speak
to you
because of that very specific tone of my voice
when I speak with you
but please know that I may open your kitchen cupboard and won’t be able to find the sugar box even if it’s right up in front of my eyes
therefore
if one day you feel like wanting to love me
if one day you feel like loving me
if you love me
please do
please do so because you want to see me grow
please do so because you want to see us grow
but first
please
first
let me worship you
exactly the way you are
if one day you feel like wanting to love me
if one day you feel like loving me
please do
for the purpose of nurturing our spiritual growth
yours and mine
mine and yours
but first
please
let’s keep loving each other
exactly the way we are
Jayrôme C. Robinet 